The title is misleading. Rather, perhaps the times have changed.
These days, each morning after waking, I go through a routine. Firstly, I try
to remember where we are. Then I check the time for the hour, sometimes even
the year, occasionally the century. Thereafter, I wonder which natural,
biblical and constitutional laws were scrapped or amended overnight. Frankly, I
have much difficulty in adapting mainly because they’re making me rebellious.
Nevertheless, I have a fervent desire to avoid jail and although I don’t wish
to be ‘cancelled’ (whatever that means), I also would not like to be postponed.
In practical terms, I visited the Department of Motor
Vehicles (DMV) today. My driver’s licence is due to expire and hence the need
to renew it. Because I have reached the biblical age of 3-score-and-ten, a new
set of rules applies for the elders or very senior citizens. No renewals are
permitted online, unfortunately. Should I be more of a cynic, by the way I am
working on that diligently, I thank the modern age for helping me in this
direction. I should be a fully qualified cynic within a few months, if not
sooner. I will say this though, well write it, I mean type it, or should that
be key it, whatever: I believe we seniors are experiencing age discrimination.
Briefly, once a person reaches the age of seventy, that expiring-driver has to
present him/herself in person at the DMV office. Internet privileges are
suspended indefinitely. Is this fair or even correct? In fact, the older one
gets, the more difficult the task becomes just to reach the office, yet the
youngsters are excused. We oldsters, while needing respite, are not receiving it. Is that
not discrimination? Heck, I’m only playing by their rules. Americans have
taught me well.
How about this? I’ve decided that in future, biology be
damned, I intend to identify as a much younger man. Correction. I should have
written (typed) younger person. If we can change our gender identification on a
whim, by filling in a form or announcing it, why not age? In fact, I propose
attaching to future legislation and new societal and state laws a bill which
I’ve termed “The Fountain of Youth Amendment”. Clearly, should you choose to
adopt an age below seventy, a former elderly person can skip the visit to the
DMV office. By the way, too much time in that office can add years to one’s
life…and not enjoyable ones either.
I was standing in a queue (line) and asked a question of one
of the clerks. The man behind me heard and asked is the process in New Zealand
as bad as at our DMV? He recognized my foreign accent and guessed it to be from
that country. Should a reader not be aware that I have a South African accent,
he might have thought I was dressed all in black. Please don’t get your
knickers in a twist. This is not of a racial bent, but rather, the world-class
rugby team is affectionately known as the ‘All Blacks’. For the record, I wore
an all-blue outfit, knowing it would be that type of day at the DMV.
Things began to move ahead quite nicely considering I had
pre-booked a 10:30am appointment two months earlier and my first contact at
check-in was a few minutes before 11am. Had I not scheduled an appointment,
you probably would be reading this (thank you, by the way) a few days later.
After a further half-hour wait, I proceeded after being called to desk 21. A
very helpful gentleman checked all the details, took some money, had me
re-check that the information was correct after seeking residential details.
After all, ‘you cannot live in a post office box’, he had remarked. I hate to
think what would have occurred had I tried to explain where Jen has us living.
Having completed the paperwork and after taking a 3-part eye test, I was sent
off for another test, something unexpected. You must remember, after seventy,
one begins to…what was I about to mention? I had to undertake a written test,
too. I suppose that’s quite a good idea because how much experience does one
have after 52 years behind the wheel.
I did not realize I would be expected to know some theory
about driving and I suppose, the rules of the road, too. Frankly, should the
test be introduced into Nepal, I don’t believe there would be an eligible
driver remaining in the whole country. This does not reflect on their humility
and decency but rather, their driving competence. Back to the test. I did not
recall needing to pass a test. I did a quick recap. Drive on the right side of
the road, don’t speed and adhere to the signage. Got it. Then things turned
ugly.
I began the test on the computer screen. The first two
questions had me beat. Three errors and I would fail the test. We are traveling
overseas soon and I need the licence. Yikes! At least locally, Jen could do the
driving. Double Yikes! I withdraw that comment. However, I was also a little
upset and much surprised by the questions.
The first provided 3 options for
driving within the legal limit of alcohol in the bloodstream. Another asked
where one should keep an open bottle of alcohol in the car while in motion. I
had the option of: In the passenger’s cubby, the trunk or the passenger’s
hands. At first, it seemed a trick question. After all, who would place an open
bottle in the trunk or cubby—it would spill. I mean I try to drive smoothly
but… As I could only choose one answer without providing an explanation, what
could I do? The legal question got me. Another: What jail sentence would a
driver receive should he not stop after ‘knocking over a pedestrian’ and then
having to be chased by a police officer? Frankly, I was puzzled by the
relevance of some of the questions.
Okay. Those are the excuses. I failed. Then I learned that
one was entitled to three separate tests after two-minute breaks between them. Thereafter,
one probably needs to apply for a bicycle licence. Worse than that. How would I explain my ignorance to our grandchildren. I approached the next test with much trepidation and was most relieved to succeed. When I returned to the
third clerk of the day to receive some more paperwork, I mentioned that as I’m
a boring teetotaler, I did not attach much importance to alcohol focused
questions. However, I did offer a reply to her rejoinder that following a visit
to the DMV, I am encouraged to begin drinking. I'll try a Bud-light.
Thanks for your indulgence.