48.50 Arizona: The home of the saguaro and venue for the upcoming, innovative and unknown newly developed sport.

Over the past few years, Jen and I have worked on a project we believe to be both exciting and tough. It's a new sport played on mountains in areas where the saguaro cacti thrive. We decided to look no further than Arizona of course, and narrowed it down to Tucson. On the mountains in this city, or the outskirts to be more accurate, exists an ideal venue/environment for the activity. Many of the mountains are covered in both saguaro and ocotillo plants. Besides providing interesting, even fascinating sights, they have natural equipment, particularly, the goalposts for SaguaroBall, a hybrid of rugby union and American football. 

 A set of goalposts, naturally cultivated in the wilderness.
When we discovered or may we be so bold while trying to be ever so humble, invented the sport, we were aware that to a prudish mind such as ours, it would be perfectly acceptable. However, Jenni pointed out that the prurient type might interpret the game in a manner not intended. Therefore, depending on where your head lies, you should either read it with a pure and sports-minded attitude or the other. In the latter case, the inventors of the game, having lived in the US for a long time, refer you to 17 pages of legal provisos, clauses and limitations of liability as well as a whole host of other concepts, including the 'kitchen sink'. 

In other words, we are not responsible for incorrect understandings. Having cleared that all, let us introduce the mountain sport of SaguaroBall, where the first league game features a tussle between the Ocotillo Rams and Sauguaro Goats. Over to our commentator who will introduce some of the concepts. For the slow-witted, and we seem to have many family members in this category, persevere and it will all fall into place...eventually. 

"My name is Butch. My partner, who actually acts like my boss, Jenkins, will explain some of the basics. Over to you, Jenkins.'"

“Thanks, Butch. And don't forget it...the boss part. You may think you're the hotshot of the pair but I'm where it all happens. 

"Okay folks, enough with the introduction. The idea of the game, as in so many sports, is to get your ball or balls between the post-legs as illustrated by the set of saguaro posts shown above. It's an extremely tough game as one can imagine for the players have to run up or down the mountain, over extremely rugged terrain with the intention of getting either or both balls through those leg-posts. It is often said that many a player will return home without balls or at best, damaged balls. This is true because as you may be aware and the picture attests to it, the saguaros are covered in pricks. The chances of a player getting his balls up and in between those leg-posts without scraping against thorns or pricks is difficult at the best of times but during the heat of the game, extremely difficult. 

'Obviously, each player is expected to at least commence the game with a pair of healthy balls. Should balls be lost, pricked or popped, the player is automatically ejac...um...ejected from the game. Well, let's say, the player should leave the game as a player without balls is quite useless. 

‘Let me interrupt you there, Jenkins. I’d like to provide some context to the game and background which we faced recently. When we invented the game, we opened it to anyone with balls. All you needed was two of them, a desire to play the game in good spirit and an understanding it was tough and rough. Then along came this movement which has politized everything, relegated all aspects of life, including our new sport, to race, gender, social status and even global warming. Heck, all we wanted to do was play with our balls. Is that unreasonable? However, we decided not to fight the new system for after all, we’re interested in all people, not any particular group. 

Our first obstacle occurred when asked, “What about women? 

"What about them?” We questioned.

“Bring along your balls; you qualify to play. Simple. Then they asked about colors. Initially, the game-ball was determined as white. Okay, okay. Should it make you happy, bring along whatever color you like." 

We had thought women should have pink balls and men blue or black balls. We withdrew that for fear of being sexist even racist. We took a lesson from South Africa and adopted the concept of ‘a rainbow nation’. Thus, it became all-comers, all-colors, kind of concept. We should add it was becoming awfully frustrating. All we wanted to do was play a game with our balls, no matter what color, size or orientation. 

We did specify that prior to each game, players should register their balls. We thus set up a main registry whereby all details about a person’s balls would be on file. This, we thought, might assist in verifying balls landing between leg-posts. 

"Briefly, the game is all about taking one’s balls, even an opponent’s, and getting each one through the legs of the saguaro. Should a player be able to steal an opponent’s ball(s) and succeed in getting it up and of course, over, double points are scored. For the rest, it’s the basic run up-and-down the mountain trying not to get your knickers in a twist or at worst, losing your balls… Back to you, Jenkins.” 

 Jenni contemplates the action thus far.
Referee wraps arm around body calling an 'offside'. Opponent makes grab for a wrong ball. Foul!
“Thanks, Butch. Rather you than me. Anyway, we're not yet on TV but we do have a budding listener audience. We take questions which is always a good way to understand what’s on an audience's mind. Here’s one from Dr. Gary Sneag of San Diego, a leading, if not the top optometrist west of the Mississippi. 

Gary writes, “I worry about all the pricks in the game.” 

“That is a concern, but we are selective of who qualifies based on behavioral criteria. Thank you, Gary." 

 'Paul Shtein wonders whether people will doctor their balls, thus diminishing the chances of pricks being effective and therefore, remaining in the game longer. Frankly, we had not considered this aspect, but it will be rather prickly, if I may add, to check everyone’s balls. After all, we do have to respect at least a modicum of privacy. Perhaps, a quality control system together with a certificate from someone who has examined the person’s balls prior to the game might be an idea. Good point, Paul.' 

Back in the changerooms and clubhouse, players sort out their balls before partaking in a cocktail or two.

One of the referees finds a vantage point to monitor the players.
'I think there’s time for one more question/comment, Jenkins." 

Celia Levy, the international traveler, writes, “Is this game going to be exported to other countries?”

“Whereas we’d love to have an international community participating, it would mean turning other countries into deserts to emulate the terrain. After all, we do not want to use imitation pricks and thorns. Thank you, Celia.

"Oh. Here’s a last one from Ron(aldo) Allegretto of Canada along a similar vein. Ron, rather than export the game, we suggest with current US immigration policy, the borders are basically open, and not only will people qualify for the game (provided they have the balls), but will be entitled to free benefits. A great deal in the offering. Come on down, the US is open. Hold onto those balls and let the game begin.”